To Everything There is a Season #RememberingWynter

On this day, six years ago, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I learned the meaning of these words. I learned that sometimes a time to be born and a time to die will occur at the same time. If you haven’t already read my story, I’ll just briefly share that I endured a healthy full term pregnancy that resulted in stillbirth.


I learned even more that, as confused, angry, hurt, lost, heartbroken as I was, God heals and restores. I learned that God is in control, of all things at all times.
I learned to surrender and trust Him, through the hurt and the pain.

Yes, six years later I still experience those feelings from time to time. A mother will never get over the loss of her child, she simply learns to live with it. Hope allows me to cope.
“God promises to one day remove all your sorrows and replace them with everlasting joy.”

As I kept busy at the salon this morning and enjoyed a nice evening afterwards with the family, we stopped as a family for a moment to remember. Every moment I breathe, I live remembering Wynter. Sleep well, my angel. You are loved. Until that day…


A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: (Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV)

Here we are, January 18, 2013. I survived the holidays and due to the unseasonably warm temperatures, the winter season seems to be quickly passing. Nothing like three years ago, when we experienced record-breaking snowfalls and it was declared the coldest winter ever. Three years ago today, I learned how literal the “coldest winter ever” was and how the quoted scripture applies to everyday life.

Maybe that day three years ago wasn’t a good time. Or maybe something more tragic would have happened down the line that would have been more painful. Either way, His plans were above my own. Yet still He has never failed me.

While I look back and think of how much time has passed, the feelings are the same. I lost our daughter, and part of me went with her. Each day that passes, she is on my mind. I’m making it solely by God’s grace and my family’s love. I anticipate the day when the trumpet sounds and the dead in Christ will rise, and those that remain will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. (1 Thess. 4:16-18)

I have learned to put my plans in God’s hands, praying constantly to be in accordance with His will for my life. Through the evidence of the changing of seasons, from winter to spring, He makes all things beautiful in His time. I hold onto the hope of Christ’s return, to be reunited with our daughter, and other loved ones we have lost.

At the right time. At the right season. Until then…


Remembering Wynter

October 15th is recognized as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. At 7:00pm, no matter what time zone, if everyone lights a candle in remembrance of a lost infant, and keeps it burning for one hour, an international wave of light will sweep across the globe.

October 15th Wave of Light.jpg

Until my experience of infant loss due to stillbirth, I thought our time’s advanced technology and medical practices helped prevent these occurrences.

I still remember being in the hospital thinking “why did no one warn me of the possibility of stillbirth?” I hadn’t heard of anyone experiencing stillbirth except for in the old days, and it was most likely something I read in a book.
I had three healthy pregnancies and deliveries. I carried full term, to 4 days before my due date. If I was going to lose her wouldn’t that have happened in the early weeks? What could have been different this time?

We made sure we did everything right: seeking early prenatal care, taking prenatal vitamins daily, drinking plenty of water, getting rest. We waited until after our first trimester was over to even announce our pregnancy to family and friends, just to be sure we were in the clear. It was challenging to contain the excitement all that time. We had no idea the real challenge was still to come.

For 9 months, the anticipation of our new addition grew within me, literally and figuratively. We went back and forth through the process of selecting a name until we even had a loving nickname for her. We would talk to her, feel her kick, had our own idea of what personality she would have and how she would interact with her siblings.

We noticed a change one night as we lay for bed. She would usually move most at night and we would joke that she was preparing us for plenty of sleepless nights ahead. This particular night we didn’t feel the usual animated movement. As I prepared for work the next morning we agreed I would consciously pay attention and contact the doctor.

What happened the next few days seem to have gone by like a blur yet it all replays so vividly each time I think of it. To go for an ultrasound when I was just a few days shy of delivering, and not hear our daughter’s heartbeat was the most deafening silence I had ever heard.

As I mentioned previously, the challenge was not containing the excitement as we waited to share our good news with family. I was now answering to people who knew we were expecting but hadn’t learned of our loss. When I returned to work, some of my regular clients whom I hadn’t seen since before delivering, would unknowingly ask about the baby in excitement. I couldn’t be mad at them it wasn’t their fault. But I felt anger. I also felt sadness, pain and emptiness. Those sleepless nights we were expecting came not from exchanging diaper duty shifts as we cared for our child, but from all of these emotions and the process of grief.

It has been almost three years since losing our precious daughter. I think of her daily, and wonder what her milestones would have been like: sitting up, crawling, first steps, first words; which one of our looks she would favor and how unique her personality would have been.

Though I never considered myself one to take life for granted, our daughter brought new meaning and purpose to my life. I am learning to live one day at a time, appreciating all I have however small. I do my best to live each day with intention, as I have experienced personally, tomorrow is never promised. I hold on to the hope of holding her in my arms again, one sweet day.

For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words. (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18 NIV)

Until then, I will keep her in my heart, her memory living on inside me, inspiring me to live one day at a time.

October 15th Remembering Our Babies.jpg


Stillborn, Yet Still Born: Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

stillbirth awareness.jpg

Being a survivor to domestic violence and witness to the experience of breast cancer taught me tomorrow is never guaranteed. However, I never imagined I would go through such an awakening through the lives of any of my children.

Every mother who has ever had a child goes through imagining and planning what her ideal birth experience will be like. Having had three healthy, full term and natural deliveries, I found myself expecting my fourth. I had been a bit of an age gap this time around. My first three children were born within three years and were already 6, 5 and 3 years old when I learned I was pregnant with my fourth child.

Doctors treated me as an “expert baby maker” which I felt was disrespectful and very unprofessional. I followed routine prenatal care, maintained a healthy diet and worked up until the end of my pregnancy. The excitement and anticipation grew for my husband, children and myself as the months passed.

January 18, 2010 I went in for a checkup. We went as a family this time since the children had a day off from school and my husband wasn’t scheduled to go to work until later that afternoon. We were excited. With only four days left till my due date we were sure we would be welcoming our little bundle of joy at any moment.

I was called back to have my weight and blood pressure checked as usual, then the doctor started checking the baby’s heartbeat. Yet this time, the doctor shuffled about a bit longer as silence filled the air. I could not believe what was happening and I was even more shocked at how cold the attending doctor reacted when he shared the news that my child was no longer living.

How could that be possible? I was full term, due in four days and I was just in the week before and everything was fine. What was he telling me?!

What should have been a day of celebration ended up being more like a slow-motion nightmare. My world was turned upside down and shattered at the same time. We had to say goodbye to our daughter before even saying hello. We planned for a funeral instead when we had been planning for months on how we would welcome her home.

My daughter may not be presently physically, and is considered to have been stillborn in medical terms. I like to think of her as born sleeping, in a peaceful state, awaiting Christ’s second return. But I also agree that she was still born, as her memory lives on within and I think of her daily.

While I lost something most precious to me, I gained a new sense of an outlook on life. I’ve heard “tomorrow is never promised” quoted repeatedly, I never realized how much it truly applies.

I have come a long way thanks to love and support from my husband, children, and other mothers who have survived the loss of a child. I learned loss is not something you get over but something you learn to live with. I live life one day at a time, remembering the inspirational scripture found in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:” (KJV)

For pregnancy and infant loss support visit Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope


God bless,


Awareness Empowers

October is a month that marks awareness for a lot of causes and events throughout the world. These include breast cancer, domestic violence, pregnancy and infant loss, Hispanic heritage and I’m sure there are plenty more. These are ones I thought about that have influenced me in one way or another. This week I will be explaining how each one is important to me & how they have made a positive impact in my life. I want to bring awareness to these causes. It is the best way to empower others who may need support.

Do you support any causes or events that bring awareness to something dear to your heart?